A Walmart security guard spotted Taylor Davis, 20, in the infants' department of the Walmart on Vineland Road Tuesday evening, listening to headphones and touching his joystick through a hole he cut inside his black hooded sweatshirt, records show.
Davis saw a woman he thought was attractive and started following her around, he later told a deputy sheriff.
It is a little known fact that public masturbation has been socially acceptable in Florida since 1513 when Ponce de Leon began his search for the Templar Wanker Well, previously known as the Fountain of Youth. Bearing this in mind, Osceola County sheriff charged Davis with Having Sex With The Only Person You Really Love.
The parents of this disturbed young man refused to comment to our Florida reporter. We did learn, from a neighbor, that the Davis family dog ran away out of sheer shame and disgust.