Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Texas Scientists Sequence Bigfoot DNA & Discover New Minority

                   Sasquatch X (Dem) to run for Texas Govenor

DALLAS, November 24, 2012 -  Dr. Melba S. Ketchum of Nacogdoches, TX has confirmed that her team has sequenced 3 complete Sasquatch nuclear genomes and determined the species is a human hybrid:

"Our data indicate that the North American Sasquatch is a hybrid species, the result of males of an unknown hominin species crossing with female Homo sapiens."

Ketchum calls on public officials and law enforcement to immediately recognize the Sasquatch as an indigenous people:

“Genetically, the Sasquatch are a human hybrid with unambiguously modern human maternal ancestry. Government at all levels must recognize them as an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a ‘license’ to hunt, trap, or kill them.”

County governments throughout East Texas report a huge influx of Sasquatch lining up at state offices to apply for state ID cards, Texas Unemployment, Food Stamps and Voter Registration Cards.

No place like Texas.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Newly Found Papyrus Proclaims Summary Of Christ Teaching

KHIRBET QUMRAN (AP) - Newly discovered scrap of papyrus contains Greek notations of Jesus telling his disciples:

"Don't be a dick."

Amen to that.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

60,402 Brain-Dead Texans Sign Petition To Cecede From Union

Being a native son, Texas is very near and dear to my heart.

The recently circulated Petition to the Obama Administration asks the feds to let us withdraw from the USA. Hell, boys, where are your cajones? Why don't you just do it without asking the liberal pussies? Because the people who started this petition and all who signed it didn't really think this through, that's why.

If Texas became a Republic again all Federal funds would dry up. No more Social Security, Medicare, Army, Navy, Coast Guard or military hardware. Our borders would be wide open and Mexico would want us back under their wing. We would need a currency...backed by what...oil, cattle and bullshit? Texas would get no more funding for our vast system of roads and interstate freeways.

I don't know anybody who is happy with the results of the recent election but this petition is a left-handed handjob in a right-handed world.

God Bless Texas.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

"We get the government we deserve."

~Alexis de Tocqueville

Monday, November 5, 2012

Rare Image of Jesus Found

Biblical scholars have confirmed that this image originates from the Galilee Vocational Institute Yearbook where Jesus studied carpentry but eventually dropped out to become The Savior. The image depicts Jesus as the Homecoming King.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

OCTOMOM: After Rehab Will Appear at Deer Lease

LOS ANGELES  — "Octomom" Nadya Suleman has checked herself into a rehabilitation center, citing her addiction to Pay Pal and sleazy publicity, a spokeswoman for the mother of 14 said Tuesday.

Hillbilly Haven Productions Entertainment Director,  Robert K,  announced yesterday that a written contract has been concluded with Octomom's agent. Robert states, "She (Octomom) will appear at our deer lease and dance on the picnic table under the Blue Pavilion. Negotiations with Octomom's people were grueling. The most difficult aspect of the agreement was naturally the price. We eventually booked the Octomom for a case of Bud, four bags of Slim Jim Jerky and a small bag of hydro. The guys at the lease are all salivating but they're barely civilized pigs."

This reporter admits to being creeped out by the whole thing.