Libyan Movie Review

The Obama Administration has confirmed that recent murder of the U.S. Ambassador to Libya was not caused by terrorists but rather well-armed militant film critics.

White House sources claim sharp-dressed, well-meaning film patrons stormed out of the Pedenjo Akbar Four Cineplex angry because the feature film, 72 Virgins Bleed and Cry for All Eternity, was followed by a Porky Pig cartoon marathon.

In addition to this clear cultural insult, the man depicted above, in the middle of the street, has his feelings hurt because there were no Halal corn dogs sold at the movie concession stand.

A local cleric, Imam Itchy al Mossface, stated, "We Muslims are just a bunch of fun guys who love good wholesome movies. But, when that pork cartoon creature appeared on the screen I felt....well, as helpless as a child. I began to cry and my tears fell into my Rasinettes and contaminated them. That calls for Jihad."

"If thou art offended by any Infidel social media, then thou art compelled to bust a cap in his lily-white ass."

Koran

The Whiskey Tango Spawn of Harry Reid

The Love Nest

Well, the word is out.

We have been informed, by an unnamed source, that Harry Reid has sired an illegitimate son somewhere in the south.

The mother of the child claims, “He drove up to my burrito emporium and ordered a Vegan Burrito. I said, ‘What the hell is a Vegan? Is that some kind of yankee burrowing critter?’ He just laughs, haughty like. Well, we start talkin and the next think I know, he has me in the parlor havin his way with me. I’m not so young any more but I’m still as fertile as river bottom dirt and I end up in a family way. The following spring my son was born and I named him after his father,  Titus Anus Reid.”

OldBill and The Houston Chronicle



Today on the Houston Chronicle website (which I refuse to mention) there is a report about a trucker who caught and killed a burglar who was breaking into the trucker's 18-wheeler. The incident took place in northeast Houston.

Among the many comments posted was one by OldBill from Katy. The Chronicle, in their infinite wisdom, deleted OldBill's comment but not before I cut and pasted/saved it.

Bill's post is as follows:

Are you a liberal, a conservative, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're enjoying a peaceful evening with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a burglar with a huge knife crashes through the door, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, curses you, raises the knife, and charges at you. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. You have just finished cleaning and reloading your Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.


What do you do?


Liberal's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I sitting here with a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is our street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!


Conservative's Answer:


BANG!


Southerner's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click


Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '


Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'


Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!



Summer at the Lease

The nights at the deer lease are full of stars.

Just at dusk, the various groups of coyotes begin to howl and communicate with each other.

The whippoorwills can be heard all night and into the early morning hours.

I do love this place and time spent there.

Prick files lawsuit seeking justice & his foreskin

Dean Cochrun, a 28 year old inmate in a South Dakota prison, wants his foreskin back after Sanford Hospital performed a circumcision, 28 years ago.


The lawsuit states, in part:

"I was recently made aware of the fact that I had been (circumcised) and that… I was robbed of sensitivity during sexual intercourse as well as the sense of security and well-being I am entitled to in my person,” 

WTF? He just discovered he was circumcised ?? The winters in South Dakota must be long and very cold.

Mr. Cochrun's foreskin did not return our phone calls for comment.

We eagerly await the tearful reunion and will report further.

McDonald's Newest Drink: The McLugie

The inventor of the drink.

In Simpsonville, South Carolina, Marvin Washington Jr., 19, was charged with unlawful/malicious tampering with food. He has been released from jail on $5,000 bond.

Greenville County investigators say surveillance video caught Washington leaning over the cups before he filled them Saturday at the Simpsonville restaurant. Authorities say the customers discovered phlegm when they removed the lids of the drinks to add more sugar because the iced tea still was not sweet enough.








 








Memo to Afghanistan

Our groveling President has already apologized for the accidental burning of several copies of the Quran. In response, one of your protestors outlined your position in the following statement:

“We don’t care about Obama’s apology. We have to protest to be responsible to our god. They are burning our Qur’an. An apology is not enough.”

You continue to piss on our leg and tell us it is Allah's tears.

So, please allow me to step up to the plate and offer you this:

It's a book...paper and ink.